Talk Sex.......ual Stereotyping
This is a note I wrote a couple of months ago after seeing Sue Johansen on the Tyra Banks.
So yesterday I watched Sue Johansen on the Tyra Banks show. I'm sure most people know who Sue Johansen is, but in case you don't, I'll enlighten you. Sue is a nurse from somewhere around Toronto (I really don't know exactly where she came from originally). She started a radio call-in show about sex many many years ago. Over the years it has taken on a life of it's own until it became a national show and then a television show. She now does the show only in the U.S.A., she does regular speaking tours, and she is often on these very big national talk shows in the states.
Everyone just loves Sue because she's about 178 years old, she's cute, and she talks about sex! The problem with Sue is that she doesn't really know what she's talking about. These are the three things, in summary that really piss me off about Sue Johansen:
1. she gives out misinformation, rarely seems to check her facts, and doesn't give a crap that she's doing it
2. she does not know one single thing about sex toys but she talks about them on her shows like she's an expert
3. and this is the one I have the biggest issue with - the advice and information she gives is absolutely rife with sexual stereotyping, personal value biases and judgments, and generalizations.
Even I have to admit that sometimes she says good things and that just talking about sex openly is a good thing. but people think she is the goddess of sex information and she's just not. I cannot even tell you the number I times, at toy parties and presentations, I have had to correct someone who says to me 'Sue Johansen says that .......'.
So anyway, there were many things she said on Tyra that pissed me off but this is the big one. She was talking about how guys falls asleep after they have sex and how this makes women feel used and lonely. According to Sue, there are five things a man has to say to his partner after sex and they are:
1. I love you
2. I needed you
3. I wanted you
4. I respect you
5. I will never leave you
What?????????
For the purpose of some further exploration about what sex is really about, let's break this wonderful instruction down. Sue is assuming many things here when she says this:
1. The woman needs to feel loved and needed and the man really doesn't give a shit and doesn't need to hear that from the woman.
2. The man is having sex with a woman, not another man who has promptly just fallen asleep as well and can't hear what he's saying.
3. Only men fall asleep after sex. Lots of women do too. It's a physiological response to the quick and extreme release of tension and endorphins that happens when you have an orgasm.
4. The woman wants to hear all that stuff. What if this is a booty call or a hot guy she brought home from the bar? That's the last thing she wants to hear! You don't want your booty call to tell you that he will love you and never leave you, you want him to say 'That was awesome. Where did you throw my underwear when you ripped them off with your teeth?'
5. Women are so insecure that they need to hear that after having sex. I think the underlying message here is that women don't have sex for their own pleasure, they do it because to feel closer to a man and to get him to make and keep a commitment to them. I have been in my current relationship for seven years now so yeah, I'm in a long-term relationship (and don't let this get out but I am actually married). I don't need my partner to say this stuff to me after sex. I already know all that stuff. Having sex doesn't make me feel insecure about it. It's just fun and a nice time with him. If he says stuff like that to me after sex or any other time, it's nice but I don't need it. Usually what I want to hear after sex is 'thanks sweetie - here's a tissue' (I'm usually saying the same thing to him). He oftens falls asleep right after because that's just what he does. Sometimes I do too. And that's just fine with me - I know that he's happy. and it give me some space to relax too.
Right after she dispensed this wisdom, one of the male viewers said that his girlfriend doesn't talk to him after sex and that he feels used when she does this. This totally stumped Sue. She said it's unusual and asked if he's talked to her about it. He said no because she just falls asleep. She was baffled and implied that there was something deeply wrong with this woman - that she had some sort of emotional block. 'Well, I don't know what could be going on there', she said. I do! Perhaps she is having awesome sex, is completely wasted when she's done, and she falls asleep. Maybe he's a really good lover! Or maybe he's a bore and that's all she wants from him. I don't know. But the point is, this isn't cause for alarm. And there is a very easy solution to it that never occurred to Sue. He could ask her, sometime other than when they've just finished having sex, why she falls asleep right after. He could tell her that he would really like a minute or two of cuddle time with her. If she can't do that, they can probably work something else out where they will both get what they need. It's called communication.
So yesterday I watched Sue Johansen on the Tyra Banks show. I'm sure most people know who Sue Johansen is, but in case you don't, I'll enlighten you. Sue is a nurse from somewhere around Toronto (I really don't know exactly where she came from originally). She started a radio call-in show about sex many many years ago. Over the years it has taken on a life of it's own until it became a national show and then a television show. She now does the show only in the U.S.A., she does regular speaking tours, and she is often on these very big national talk shows in the states.
Everyone just loves Sue because she's about 178 years old, she's cute, and she talks about sex! The problem with Sue is that she doesn't really know what she's talking about. These are the three things, in summary that really piss me off about Sue Johansen:
1. she gives out misinformation, rarely seems to check her facts, and doesn't give a crap that she's doing it
2. she does not know one single thing about sex toys but she talks about them on her shows like she's an expert
3. and this is the one I have the biggest issue with - the advice and information she gives is absolutely rife with sexual stereotyping, personal value biases and judgments, and generalizations.
Even I have to admit that sometimes she says good things and that just talking about sex openly is a good thing. but people think she is the goddess of sex information and she's just not. I cannot even tell you the number I times, at toy parties and presentations, I have had to correct someone who says to me 'Sue Johansen says that .......'.
So anyway, there were many things she said on Tyra that pissed me off but this is the big one. She was talking about how guys falls asleep after they have sex and how this makes women feel used and lonely. According to Sue, there are five things a man has to say to his partner after sex and they are:
1. I love you
2. I needed you
3. I wanted you
4. I respect you
5. I will never leave you
What?????????
For the purpose of some further exploration about what sex is really about, let's break this wonderful instruction down. Sue is assuming many things here when she says this:
1. The woman needs to feel loved and needed and the man really doesn't give a shit and doesn't need to hear that from the woman.
2. The man is having sex with a woman, not another man who has promptly just fallen asleep as well and can't hear what he's saying.
3. Only men fall asleep after sex. Lots of women do too. It's a physiological response to the quick and extreme release of tension and endorphins that happens when you have an orgasm.
4. The woman wants to hear all that stuff. What if this is a booty call or a hot guy she brought home from the bar? That's the last thing she wants to hear! You don't want your booty call to tell you that he will love you and never leave you, you want him to say 'That was awesome. Where did you throw my underwear when you ripped them off with your teeth?'
5. Women are so insecure that they need to hear that after having sex. I think the underlying message here is that women don't have sex for their own pleasure, they do it because to feel closer to a man and to get him to make and keep a commitment to them. I have been in my current relationship for seven years now so yeah, I'm in a long-term relationship (and don't let this get out but I am actually married). I don't need my partner to say this stuff to me after sex. I already know all that stuff. Having sex doesn't make me feel insecure about it. It's just fun and a nice time with him. If he says stuff like that to me after sex or any other time, it's nice but I don't need it. Usually what I want to hear after sex is 'thanks sweetie - here's a tissue' (I'm usually saying the same thing to him). He oftens falls asleep right after because that's just what he does. Sometimes I do too. And that's just fine with me - I know that he's happy. and it give me some space to relax too.
Right after she dispensed this wisdom, one of the male viewers said that his girlfriend doesn't talk to him after sex and that he feels used when she does this. This totally stumped Sue. She said it's unusual and asked if he's talked to her about it. He said no because she just falls asleep. She was baffled and implied that there was something deeply wrong with this woman - that she had some sort of emotional block. 'Well, I don't know what could be going on there', she said. I do! Perhaps she is having awesome sex, is completely wasted when she's done, and she falls asleep. Maybe he's a really good lover! Or maybe he's a bore and that's all she wants from him. I don't know. But the point is, this isn't cause for alarm. And there is a very easy solution to it that never occurred to Sue. He could ask her, sometime other than when they've just finished having sex, why she falls asleep right after. He could tell her that he would really like a minute or two of cuddle time with her. If she can't do that, they can probably work something else out where they will both get what they need. It's called communication.