Disability Pride Month - Making Sex Work when You have to Work at It.

Disability Pride Month - Making Sex Work when You have to Work at It.

July has been deemed disability pride month - in honour of some important legislation that was passed in the states about 20 years ago and here in Canada only a few years back.  Perhaps I will write more on that in another post.

I want instead to focus on disability and sex - after all, sex is what the Tickle Trunk is all about.  We have always recognized the need to be inclusive of people of all types of abilities .We have always strived to help people find tools that make sex still fun and fulfilling when they have challenges with their bodies.  This is an even more important area of focus for me since I myself have become disabled.  I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 2021.  Now I find myself needing to use the tools and skills I've been talking to people about for years, in my own personal life.  

There are so many different kinds of disabilities. When you think about all the different things this could include, you realize that a huge number of people have some kind of disability.  It's not at all okay to exclude us or think of us as an exception because our numbers are large!  As I've heard a few people say, if we live long enough, almost all of us become disabled in some way,  

The range of what disability is is vast for sure, but there are three things I've learned that apply to almost everyone figuring out sex when they have any kind of disability.

First, communication is key! I know that's very boring and way easier said than done but it's true!  When my body and brain started changing, everything about the way I experienced sex changed.  The thing that has kept my partner and i from becoming ridiculously frustrated, and ending up angry, sad, lonely, resentful, is talking about it.  I am sooooooo used to talking about sex that it doesn't bother me at all to say 'I love what you're doing but I'd love to have an orgasm and that's not going to happen without some strong vibration'.  And my partner is sooooooo comfortable with sex toys that it's no big deal at all that a Magic Wand has become a central part of our sex play.

But I know most people haven't had the chance to get that comfortable talking about sex.  It feels vulnerable.  It's scary.  But believe me - talking is the way through it.  If  you have a steady partner or partners, let them know honestly what's up with you.  It's okay that things are different for you.  It's not your fault!  And it's not their fault that they don't know what to do.  Tell them!  Or tell them what you'd like to try. I know it can be tough but it's worth getting through the fear.

If you don't have a steady partner, just lay it on the line with people you'd like play with.  'Yes I like sex.  Yes, i can do sex.  And yes, it may be a little different than what you've done before, but it could be amazing!'

I can tell you that those of us who've had to really work to understand what we need and learn to communicate that to partners, are often much better lovers.  Communication is sexy!

Second - toys, toys, toys!  Toys open up all kinds of possibilities.  Do you find it so much harder to cum than you used to? (raising my hand here)  A very strong vibrator might be just what you need.   Can't hold yourself up in a position you would like? A liberator pillow, a strap, handle, or even swing could help.  Don't have the grip strength to hold your own or your partner's penis? Sleeves can add more texture and sensation so you don't have to grip as tight.  

Toys are amazing tools.  They can help us still be able to do something we love but find difficult now,  They can also open up new ways to experience pleasure when things we've been used to don't work anymore,  And they're fun!  Approaching all of this with a spirit of fun and adventure makes it so much better.

If you aren't sure where to start with toys, get in touch with us, we would love to help you get the creative juices flowing!

The third thing I've found that is super important for those that have acquired a disability is to accept that things will not be the same.  But they could be just as good.  I will overshare here as an example.  Orgasms used to be for me the way that I think most people with vaginas experience them.  A build up, increasing pleasure and sensation and sensitivity and then boom!  Usually the big boom is the end of it although sometimes there are more big booms to follow. 

I don't get the big boom anymore.  My nerves fire differently and my pelvic floor muscles just don't respond the same way.  I was sad about that until i really started to focus on and appreciate what I do get - several smaller booms.  The whole process of climax lasts longer for me now. It's not as big a high but it's a longer high and its' lovely and feels amazing.  

Just because you've lost something doesn't mean there isn't something just as good that you can have instead.  It may take patience, time and an open mind, but it is probably there.

I hope to share more ideas over this month but I'll leave you with this thought for now - don't think for one minute that you can't have a nice sex life because you have a disability,  You are capable, no matter what has happened to your body, of giving and receiving pleasure - you just need to figure out how.  If someone doesn't want to fuck you because you have a disability, they are 100% not worth your time!  They are missing out, go find someone who appreciates you! (or have amazing sex with yourself!)