No You Should Not Check Your Kitchen for Lube Substitutes - Please Don't Put that Up There: Part 6

No You Should Not Check Your Kitchen for Lube Substitutes - Please Don't Put that Up There: Part 6

Today I came across an article from the Thrillist that looked like a lot of fun "Bedroom MacGyver - Household Items You Can Totally Use as Lube".  But as I read, I realized the author wasn't really joking.  I love the idea of a 'Bedroom MacGyver' - after all, if you follow some basic safety rules - there are all kinds of things around the house that are pervertible.  But when it comes to anything that actually goes inside the body, one has to be particularly careful.  There is a lot of misinformation in this article.  As a self-appointed defender of the vagina (and other orifices), I feel the need to correct it.

The first and biggest problem I have is that, although the author's name might indicate that it was written by a woman, possibly a vagina owner, this article seems to address itself to cis-men who have sex with cis-women.  Note the preface "It’s hours before daybreak, you’ve got half a pack of condoms, a beautiful woman next to you, you’re getting laid, and... you’re out of lube. ... Don’t worry, Angus: chances are good you have something at your place (or in your girlfriend’s medicine cabinet) that will do just the trick."  The articles then goes on to make suggestions, not one of which is, ask the person who has the vagina what they feel comfortable putting in there.  Most of us who have vaginas have some experience with a variety of things, and we know what it feels like when something causes a vagina problem.  It's not cute!  So the person who will have to deal with the consequences should be the one to say what goes in and what stays out.

With that out of the way, let's take a look at some of the specific suggestions:

Food oils - It seems like I'm always talking about food oils lately.  As the author notes, it seems coconut oil is the cure for every problem these days, including friction during sex.  I've looked into this a lot and can't find any good information so the Tickle Trunk's official advice on food oils at this point is - if you are using them and you have not noticed any problems, you are in stellar vaginal health while using them, go ahead.  The most important caveat however, is that food oils, yes ALL FOOD OILS, break latex condoms.  So if you are using condoms, as the preface to this article suggests, food oils are out.  The author does not mention this.

Crisco - please don't do this.  Please just do not do this ever.  I know many people have used it in the past and probably continue to.  Yes, it's thick and it's going to last forever, but it's also going to last forever in the vagina, trapping bacteria inside it that can grow, altering vaginal ph, and generally providing a great environment for an infection.  As well, Crisco will break latex condoms - again the author doesn't mention that.  Aside from all of that, Crisco is thick, greasy, smelly and hard to clean up - not sexy!  Not sexy at all!

Yogurt - the author rightly notes that you should only use yogurt that doesn't contain sugar.  But who's going to have that in their fridge?  Sugar or no sugar, yogurt just doesn't have the correct consistency to use as a lube.  This is just going to make another big mess.

Margarine - here the author finally notes that food oils are bad for condoms, so points for that.  They are right that margarine is essentially food oil, but it's messy, and not a great consistency for lube.  They also note that salt, sugar and other additives that are likely to be in it are not good but still suggest going ahead if you can find a more 'pure' one.  I have a better idea, find an actual lubricant.

Hair treatment and body oil - no - just no.  If it contains only all natural food oil, it may be okay (see above) but that's unlikely,   Most of these treatments also have fragrance oils or essential oils that should not go into the vagina.

Anti-frizz hair serum - again, if it has only silicone in it, it's perfectly fine, just like silicone lube.  But that's unlikely, there are probably fragrances, preservatives, or other ingredients that are not safe.

Sensitive skin lotion - no!  Just no! Absolutely not!

All natural face primer - see anti-frizz serum and hair oil above.

Baby oil - absolutely not under any circumstances!  Baby oil will do all the things that Crisco will do and worse.  Baby oil is made of mineral oil which is terrible for the skin - it clogs pores and causes skin problems.  It breaks condoms.  It stays in the body forever.  I happen to think that Baby Oil is one of the worst substance ever invented.  If you have Baby Oil in your house, go throw it out.  Go now, I'll wait.

Vaseline -The only difference between baby oil and vaseline is that vaseline actually does have some useful applications, but personal lubricant is not one of them.  Inside the vagina, Vaseline will cause the same problems as Crisco and Baby Oil.  I'm not going to insist that you throw it out but I'm going to insist that don't put it in your, or anyone else's vagina.

What confuses me about this article is why anyone would bother with any of these in the first place.  In the preface, the author assumes that the reader has condoms.  If you take the time to have condoms available, you can have lube available - you can even buy them in the same place.  Heck, there are lots of lube companies that make very small sample packs that you can even carry with your condoms when you're out on the town.  If it is an emergency Mac's and 7-11 carry small bottles of lube.  It's always possible to get lube, so instead of putting your or your partner's health at risk by rummaging around in the fridge, why not get some actual lube.  Plus, you won't have to wonder what happened to the margarine when you go to make breakfast the next morning.